“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear” Nelson Mandela
How can you be fearful of something that you’ve done countless times? Something that you’ve diligently prepared for? This was my first IronMan, actually my first triathlon since IronMan Ireland (Cork) last year. It was my first since Ivan’s death in that race. It was my first race in the open water and my first swim in the sea where I’d be with other competitors since that day. While I told myself it was irrational to have fear or anxiety, I reminded myself it was also natural and understandable. But I couldn’t let it stop me from racing and if I did, it would only manifest further.
What I hope…
In a world where podcasts and influencers are a dime a dozen, there’s a lot of advice on how we should live our lives. I’m no influencer and I’m not here to tell you how to live. I have certain beliefs on good ways to live but I’m fed up of people preaching on how to live or that we’re doing things wrong. So, when I explain what it was like to race, to overcome the fear I had, it’s not that I’m preaching a need for you to go and do the same. Instead, I hope that my experience racing IronMan 70.3 Marbella will inspire at least one person to go and complete a challenge, overcome an obstacle and most of all become a little bit fitter and healthier in their life.
The anxious anticipation
To give context, I’ve swam nationally and internationally. I’ve lifeguarded on one of the busiest beaches and coasts in USA, during storms and all sorts of conditions. In previous IronMan races I’ve been top 10 in my age group for the swim. However, before this race I was still nervous.
Actually, nervous doesn’t do justice, I was anxious, it was all I could think about in the lead up. No matter how many times I visualised myself swimming, smooth, fast and overtaking people, it didn’t get any easier and I simply wanted to get through it. For every 10 images I played in my head of that swim, there was always one where it was tough and not so fun. In training I swam well. I was swimming sub 1:25 per 100m on repeat. But on race day that goes out the window.
Race day morning - Naa nana naa nana naaaaa
Carbs: ~120g (sourdough, marmalade and PF&H gel)
Hydration: 1500mg sodium (PF&H 1500) + 750ml water
My usual pre-race routine starts at 5am as I try to force feed myself toast and marmalade, alongside a filter coffee and an electrolyte drink (PF&H) mixed with water. I dry-retch a lot less than I used to but it still happens, it’s uncontrollable and I’ve gotten used to it! It’s go time…
The sea is calm, like a lake. The previous day’s storm has passed. I’m at the start line and the countdown begins. Thunderstruck by AC/DC is blaring. It signals the start of every IronMan, adrenaline is pumping and the nerves tend to sky rocket. While my nerves are high, I find a sense of calm and laugh as Thunderstruck continues. My wife said she will now forever think of the Dallas Cheerleader high kicks, so I use that to calm the nerves. I step forward to the start line, the buzzer goes and off I go into the water! Passing people over the first 800m or so, I’m flying it, I’m at home in the water. My stroke is smooth, the water is clear with a beam of light shining through it as the sun rises.
It’s easier to quit…
I’m focusing on my stroke and trying to pass a few more people. Then, all of a sudden I start to feel a bit uncomfortable for some reason. I think there’s just a few too many people near me. I count my strokes to change focus and get over it. But it comes again and my head goes. I can only think about Cork in 2023. Not ideal. So I look right, swim to the side and I take a second. I calm myself and go again. This happens a few times. It’s completely irrational really but it’s happening and I either quit or deal with it. I again come back to counting strokes and just getting to the next buoy. I’ve told myself if it doesn’t improve I can just call it a day and while I don’t want that, it actually adds a weird comfort.
37% longer…
I get to the next buoy and the next, and eventually we get to the end. That swim felt like it took forever!! I get out and look at the clock, wow how was that so slow. I swam 15mins faster in 2019 (huge difference)! Eleven year old me would swim quicker.
It turns out they built the course 700m+ (37%) too long, so while not my best swim it wasn’t that bad and would only have been a couple of mins slower than normal. Not bad for a guy who was battling all kinds of thoughts out there.
Keep it steady
There’s a saying from stoicism, things are never as bad or as good as they seem.
It’s true. In that swim, my head went and I thought the worst. But it wasn’t bad at all. It was nowhere near as bad as my head seemed to think the situation was. There wasn’t even a situation. That goes for everything in life. It’s never as bad as it seems. So don’t let yourself get too low with the lows, or too high with the highs, stay steady and things will likely feel a lot better.
Fueling the engine
Back to the race! From the swim to the bike, 90km with 1500m elevation, Marbella is known to have one of the toughest bike courses out there. I put my head down and pass a few people as we approach the climb. I’m trying to force feed myself some gels, my stomach never feels great in the first 30mins after the swim but I need the fuel!
Carbs: ~92g per hour / ~250g on the bike (PF&H 90g gels in a bottle)
Hydrations: ~ 2.2litres + 3200mg soidum (PF&H 1500)
To put that into perspective, 100g of Haribo tangfastics has 80g of carbs (a typical bag is 160g). 100g of uncooked basmati rice has 71g. Carbs are a necessary fuel, especially on race day!
I’ve spent a year building this engine (fitness) and if I don’t give it fuel, it can’t perform. It’s like a hybrid, petrol helps it go for a long time, electric helps it accelerate a bit quicker! Combine the both and you can get the best of both worlds. To cycle at a certain power output and effort requires lots of carbs, it helps to fuel higher power outputs and to fuel the upcoming run!
Just keep climbing
The bike is otherwise uneventful to write about, just a constant slog against the hills and exhilarating downhills. You pass people and you get passed. The hills mess with your mind as you grind it out, then continue to push to the limit on the flat, staying close to your threshold to go as fast as you can but not so much that you expend all your energy and can’t run later. 2hrs 45mins for 90km & 1500m elevation, my quickest bike on this course to date. A nice return for the (X) hours in the saddle since January.
Run
Time to put those lunch time run sessions to good use and finish this out! Descending down the hill I take another gel, then head into the transition area. Mentally I’m not sure how I feel. The swim is still in my head, the bike went well but I’m not sure how I really feel. Anyway, runners on and let’s get out there!
I run past Meabh and my friends, a wave and a high 5, I get through my first km. Weirdly my feet start to hurt, they’re now cramping and the pain is flowing up to my calves. This has never happened before. Did I tie my shoes too tight? Marbella is a sandy run so maybe it’s that? Anyway, suck it up Conor.
I’m still running at 4:25/km pace so clearly things are ok. I keep going and hope that it eases. More salt and water might help, or at least it’ll keep cramp from elsewhere! I’m averaging around 750-1,000mg of sodium per hour by the way (1g sodium is 2.5g salt fyi!), again fuelled by a small bottle of PF&H 1500mg and some salt tabs towards the end.
Forget the watch
The pain eases from my feet and calves but my legs don’t feel as fresh as they usually do. I look at my watch and I’m still on pace. Now I’m having words with myself and tell myself I’m not allowed to look at my watch any more. There’s nothing to gain in looking at a pace, I’ll either be happy or really pissed off so just run on feel and let my body find the pace.
Mind Games
I get through the first of 2 laps (10.5km each) and make the turn. This is where the lunch time run comes in. It’s usually an 8-10km out and back run and I start telling myself, “ok out and back along Sandymount with Stuart. Just another lunch run”.
It’s weird the mind games you play with yourself in a race. The things you’ll tell yourself to get through it. I tell myself that if I make it up to the end, I’m allowed to walk an aid station (water & gel stations) on the way back, it’ll be a treat to myself for my hard work today, for battling through mentally and physically. It helps me to keep running and when I get to that aid station, I keep running, I don’t walk. I grab water, throw it over myself in hope of cooling my body temperature and keep going.
I round the corner to the famous red carpet and spot Meabh. I take a second to give her a hug and a kiss, today was probably just as hard for her as it was for me! Maybe harder in some ways! I jog down to the finish line and it’s kind of a blur. This was a weird race. I feel relief as much as anything. Relief to have battled through, relief to have finished, relief to walk and have a sit down. I didn’t celebrate the way I normally would but I’m still happy. Will I go again? I don’t know was the first thought. It always is. About an hour later I know I’ll go again. It’s just a matter of when. Either way, I’ll be exercising every day I can. This one was for you Ivan. We didn’t make world champs this time but we gave it a good go out there and a top 15% finish. The best part, I get to celebrate with those closest to me. Every year we go to Marbella, we finish with a group dinner and a cocktail or wine. In a few days time it’s back to the office and in a week or so back to routine with a few training tweaks.
This is moment of healing. If you don’t do it now, it’s going to be even tougher in 5 years time. - Lisa Bentley. Thank you Lisa for the words pre race, it wasn’t easy but after it everything feels much easier. As I said in the beginning, things are never as bad as we build them up to be. For me exercise is never the issue. Racing usually isn't but this one was different, this was a first post a traumatic event. For most people, that first run or gym session is the hardest but it's always built up to be much worse in your head than it really is. Once you get over that, it becomes much easier.
This is what relief looks like and contentment of giving it what I had on the day.
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